I've never really felt all that comfortable in my skin. I've never liked the extra layer of fat my body never seems to be able to shed, and I'd never been the girl that guys talked to at the bar. It never bothered me overall, but ya know, with everything, it can to me during my vulnerable times. My friends were always beautiful, so it was sometimes shitty when it felt like I just did have that oomph that they all did.
This one came from someone I've never met or talked to ever again. In fact, sometimes I wonder if this ever happened at all. My friends and I went to the beach one day, ditching the second half of the day during the summer. We brought picnic blankets and snacks, and my friends went running towards the water to do cartwheels or whatever you do when you're drinking in the afternoon.
Out of nowhere a guy from a short distance yells over "you're beautiful and you don't even know it," and then kept walking. The guy might have been crazy, but in the culmination of all of the shitty feelings I was experiencing on a daily basis, I almost burst into tears. I don't remember what he was wearing or what he looked like or who he was at all but there was no one else close around that I could tell. Believe me, I looked.
Nothing changed after that. I still feel shitty a lot of the times. I'm still not really paid much attention by a lot of people. I still have a lot of insecurities, but when things are really bad, sometimes that moment takes me back. I'm not sure what prompted him to say that, or if maybe Olivia Wilde was behind me at that exact moment, but it doesn't really matter why, just that it did. It's moments like that where my agnosticism falters. I'm 95% sure there isn't a god, but those little moments make me believe there is something or someone watching for me out there.