I'm not old. I know that I've still got a lot of life left, but I feel the first wave of it hitting me now.
It started last year, right around the time I greeted my 23rd year. Or maybe it was slightly after? I can't tell now.
I first started feeling it with the music festivals and the partying. Was it me or was it the festival? I guess it was a bit of both. Maybe the festivals started slipping in taking care of its attendees and it just wasn't fun anymore for anyone. But it's honestly probably more on me and who I've become. I just don't like being surrounded by security as they invade my privacy and tried to impede on taking the drugs I want to. I'm over spending my entire morning hungover from the night before anymore, and I felt like I was now the old person at the festival, judging 18 year olds for wearing less than Miley Cyrus at the MTV Music Awards and rolling balls during minimal techno sets. I used to be one of those idiots but now, I just hate dealing with all of the noise, the lack of food, and the ridiculous prices for water and wine.
I started thinking more about my couch and having my ass planted on there more often. I started thinking about traveling, about museums, about spending the day by the beach, about working harder in my career. Buying a plant and taking care of it. Hydroponics, but not for weed, but to grow my own food. Going back to school. And thinking about health. I made cauliflower bread yesterday. And spaghetti squash. I'm drinking a cappuccino right now at a fancy coffee shop by my house. Who even am I anymore?
What happened to the stoner girl who ordered the biggest burger at 3 in the morning after a night out drinking with my drug-dealing friends at UCLA? It's just not who I am anymore, and it's like saying goodbye to an old friend.
I used to define myself for qualities I feel like I'm losing grip on. I miss going to hot yoga, I like eating healthy, and I enjoy my nights in. My moments out are defined by quality over quantity. Any drive or motivation to be out and about has disappeared. But who am I without this part of me, and where do I grow from here?
I don't know who I am without being young and fun, and I guess I'm scared of growing older more than I ever realized. I don't want to be 30 and acting 21, but I also don't know who I'm about to be next. I'm afraid of being uncool, I'm afraid of what the future brings, and I'm afraid just overall. Does it mean I'm giving up a part of myself to step away from music? Will I no longer be cool if I can't get into shows for free? What will happen when I find my first grey hair or go to law school? I don't want to lose all of the things that defined me in the eyes of others, but I also need to move on.
I'm also worried that the way everyone else saw me is how I defined myself. Who am I when I am alone? What do I do with my identity if everything about me changes? Who am I without my platform shoes, who am I without music, who am I without the partying? I'm not sure I know.
I'm not old. Yet. But I'm feeling it in my bones, and I am afraid.