My friend Lauren is going through some unfortunate shit that doesn't have anything to do with me so I won't elaborate here. None of it's her fault, and life is just being extra cruel to an otherwise beautiful, intelligent girl. I am consoling her to the best of my own ability, but I feel equally as lost, and I am finding a lot of her problems, at least in the career department, mirror my own and it's breaking my heart.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm 23, and I feel rather directionless. Still. I feel like there was a time limit on how long we were allowed to be this way, but here I am. Was UCLA worth it? I'm no longer sure. My current PR gig didn't turn out to be what I thought it was going to be. I had zero direction going in, I don't get to work in the genres I have any interest in, the company has a terrible reputation, and the clients are bothering me nonstop. I feel passionless and drained every day after work. Plus I'm fucking broke. They don't pay me enough to be this miserable every day.
And I think I'm going to leave the Playground. This decision feels like a weight has been removed from my shoulders and dumped onto my head. I think about my bills. I think about all of the money I have already spent. I regret buying those shoes or purchasing eyeliner last week. The Playground is a great opportunity, but Warren, the guy who owns the company, hates everything I do now. I can't figure it out, and I feel too emotionally spent everywhere else for me to handle his shit. But then I think about the extra cash. All things said and done, it's great to get that kind of money handed. When it did come. I don't know how to weigh what's worth more- The headache or the money.
When I was younger, my parents made it sound like I could do everything I want in the world if I worked hard enough. But these days, I feel like I'm climbing nonstop out of a hole I can't get out of. I don't want to burden anyone with everything and the few people I do say something from try their best, but have their own things to deal with too and I can understand if they're tired of my complaining. I feel bad because I don't know what would make things better except more money. The one thing I hate most.
Also today is my best friend Manasi's birthday and tomorrow Jonathan comes into town. Time to put a smile on.