Jealousy

Jealousy is a dirty feeling. It's every prick of lack of self-esteem coming together to poke around the brain, indulging you in the worst fantasies. Someone is always better, stronger, faster, richer, hotter, and a rage fills up inside, consuming you until the top of the head starts to get a little hot and nothing makes sense anymore.

With enough time, it starts getting to the core of your inner-most self, stabbing and twisting its wretched fingers until something snaps. That's when the fights with the partner starts. That's when the backstabbing of friends happen. It's where people forget the years of relationship, and logic is thrown out of the window. 

Human beings are so incredibly complex and startlingly simple at the same time. A simple game at the golf range can trigger an insufferable level of hormones within me. Each ball that doesn't go the way I need it to brings misery, when my boyfriend only wanted to spend the afternoon with me. I'm usually pretty level-headed, but all it took was a bucket of golf balls to bring forth those demons I hide in the closet. I was pretty fucking pissed in a horrible way. 

I need to work on enjoying what I have more. I should enjoy that someone I care for so much wants to spend the weekend with me, regardless of whether or not I'm playing well. I should learn to be happier for my friends, and for myself too. If I can confidently say that I'm doing better as a person tomorrow, next week, and 6 months from now, I will try my best to be happy for that and disregard any of the fine print. Jealousy will never go away, but so will my fight to turn those jealous moments away from the door. Life is too precious to throw any part of it away, and while there will be more demons to come, at least next time I play golf, I'll know who I'm fighting.